Before She Went, The Last Five Years Before Carol Went Died
(an excerpt)
William D. Ballner
The Marionette
We used to call Him The Marionette. His strings were stronger than they should have been. He slammed Phillip into one of the jetties and he died almost instantly. A creature like Than shouldn’t be capable of something like that. He’s dangerous and evil.
He killed Phillip. There was nothing we could do. Aisha tried to stop the blood but his body wasn’t the worst of it-
I’m sorry. I can’t keep thinking about him like that.
Than is His real name. Just like how Phillip had a real name. Phillip was his real name, I don’t know what we would have called him. He called himself a Demon so maybe Phillip the Demon but that sounds wrong. He wasn’t evil or dangerous. He wasn’t dangerous like Them, at least. He wasn’t more dangerous than any of us, more dangerous than me.
Than’s strings must be made of real silver or something even stronger, to be able to do the things He does. He turned me on Andi once, marionetting me against her and trying to make me hurt her. I tried to fight back but His strings-
They’re too sharp, I’ve never understood it. I’ve never understood Him and why He makes me hurt Andi and the others and Mom and Dad. I’ve never understood why His strings can twist me around and attack everyone. I’ve tried to fight back, I’ve tried to make Him stop but the strings are too sharp and they cut my wrists and my ankles and my neck. I swear I never wanted to die but I never wanted to hurt anyone either and I still did. I still-
I’m sorry. I can’t keep thinking like this.
Phillip Pt 2
Phillip told me once that he used to be one of Them. “Blood and time changes a man back from being a Demon.” He said, carefully, over a glass of scotch. Andi insisted later that he was drunk but I remember him barely touching the glass. Phillip must have been one of Them before. He always kept up appearances, ordering food and drinks and saying he would be going home to sleep. I don’t think Phillip slept. None of Them sleep but even if he wasn’t one of Them before-
If Phillip was once one of Them then that means that someone can become one of Them and then turn back. They can heal. Mrs. Rita said that if I’m right then Phillip was born as one of Them and that might be different. I didn’t get to speak to her too much about it, I could see what she was thinking when I kept going on and on about it.
I’m not one of Them. I know that.
Maybe Phillip wasn’t really one of Them either. I swear I saw his eyes glow and that he had too sharp teeth but the light in the Silver Spoon wasn’t as good back then and he wasn’t bad. He was good, even if- No. There’s still my memories. That’s enough. It has to be.
The Boats
I row out to Cassie and Lilian and The Queen and Goldenclaw before dawn. High tide is a few hours out, but we’ll be out of Cleartown Harbor long before that. I’ll be on Goldenclaw today, the haul up in Owls Head has been low but we get the most marketers there. Everyone on Cassie, Lilian, and The Queen will head down towards our Bristol strings. I leave notes on those boats reminding them to toss back one out of every three canners.
I’ve shucked on my oilings and pushed my hair back with a red bandana when I go to check that the weekend crew restocked the traps. 10 traps and 5 bouys in a trawl. Owls Head’s haul has been low but it’s getting warm enough that we’ll benefit from putting out a few extra trawls. Enough of the prep work will be finished before the rest of the crew arrives that no one should mind the extra hauling. I’ve just got a feeling that there’ll be enough hard shells to make up the difference. No one really questions me since Dad let me take over. I like to think they trust me to know a shedder from a hard shell and where to find them.
Dad had the buoys repainted a few months ago. Gold and silver. They used to be yellow and white or at least they were yellow and white as the old paint job started to fade. Now they’re shiny and bright and I feel sick when I look at them.
I haul in the buoys and count trawls until the colors start to blend into the light breaking off of the soft waves the water is making. I wait for the rest of the crew to arrive.
Patrol February 5th, 2005
Andi is hurt and it’s all my fault.
The haul in Owl’s Head was getting better and Dad asked me to give up a Saturday night to do a late extra set of trawls. I should have said no. I wasn’t there and Elena was with the kids and Aisha was studying and Rowan was helping her and Mrs. Rita and Mr. Ira were visiting their kids so it was just Andi.
A new one was born. Andi couldn’t talk much as I tried to wrap her wrists and get Elena on the phone to come help too. She said it’s named Kai. Another Child, like Xi used to be. All of them were a Child, once, I think. Phillip used to say that’s how the ones that were created worked.
Andi tried to keep talking, all I got was that Kai scared her, Than hurt her, and that He said He hoped she knew just how right we were to change His name.
We’ve never called Him the Puppetmaster to His face. It’s like He can sense me. It’s like He can sense all of us. It’s like He’s in my head and I can’t get Him out and He can read and hear all of this and Than, I would do anything if it meant you wouldn’t hurt Andi anymore. Or Mom, or Dad, or Elena, or Mr. Ira, or Mrs. Rita, or Duke, or Lauren, or Aisha, or Rowan, or anyone else.
Sometimes I think I’d even become one of Them for you.
Fishing
Lower the delta. Grab the gaff and catch the buoys. Link up the strings up to the hauler. Shout for Danvers, tell him to ready the hauler. Wait for Bard, Acker, Abelli, Quinn, Tarot, Marchand, Shima, and Silverstein to finish setting up the washboard, bander, gauge, and tanks. Shout for Tarot to start the hauler. Go down the line, check the strings. Detangle Traps 30 and 31. Lay the traps along the washboard. Let Marchand and Silverstein help. Unload the traps. Check for canners, markets, culls, shedders, and hard shells. Pretend to be offended when Abelli and Quinn double check the carapaces anyway. Smile when everyone laughs. Shout for everyone to focus up when one of the trawls almost slides back in. Catch the trap, wait for Danvers to pull the hauler again. Stare at the water while holding the trap. See Than’s face in the reflection. Hold back a scream. Settle the trap back onto the washboard. Avoid looking at the water again. Help Quinn band the bugs. Insist that Acker toss back the right number of canners. Give the speech about maintaining biological equilibrium and sustaining the season as it gets colder. Smile when Acker mocks the speech. Shake head when Shima jabs back at Acker. Finish emptying the traps. Seal the live-tank. Reset the trawls. Remind Danvers to cut the hauler. Laugh when he forgets. Grab the gaff. See Andi’s face in the water. Smile. Feel heart clench. Remember that the day is half over. Smile again. Forget that Than’s face was there before. Lead the buoys out. Raise the delta. Sail to the next set of trawls. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Go home to Andi. Have dinner with Andi. Go for a walk with Andi. Patrol with Andi. Call Mom. Call Dad. Call Josh. Call Billy. Call Roseanne. Smile if she answers. Ask to be held by Andi. Kiss Andi. Get ready for bed. Patrol for fifteen more minutes without Andi. Go home. Sleep.
Repeat.
Watching Andi
We sit at home on Fridays. Andi puts away her research, I moor the boats early. Neither of us go on patrol. Even on Fridays where I see Than’s face in the water I stay home with her. We like board games. Scrabble is close enough to a puzzle for Andi and tactile enough that we both can have fun. We’ll play cards, too, but I think my favorite game to play with Andi is checkers. Andi will sit and think through her moves as many steps in advance as possible and I get to watch her.
She gets focused and doesn’t notice me staring. I’ll stare. I watch as her eyes narrow in concentration, flickering across the board and back as she counts out her options. I’ll watch as her right hand traces the edge of the board and her left hand comes around the side of the table to grab one of mine and I’ll know that she’s finished picking out every move she could make but now it’s time for her to find the best move. She’ll bite her lip and weigh them out back and forth until the best move prevails. She’s so smart but she can be more stubborn than me sometimes if it means winning. Everytime we play any game she wants to win.
I don’t mind losing to Andi. I win everything else as long as she’s next to me. She squeezes my hand and her free one starts to move one of the pieces before she hesitates. I don’t know what her options are, I’ve stopped looking at the board for long enough that I don’t really even remember which color is mine.
Andi’s eyes are green, like the trees right next to the castle in the state park that still no one believes is there. I was there for a whole day when I was a kid and Mom and Dad thought I went missing and Mrs. Rita and Mr. Ira found me as I was walking back along the beach. Andi hadn’t started living with them yet, back then. She was still with her parents. I watched her, back then, too. Her eyes were a different green, I think, or maybe I just remember them being duller than now. Now they sparkle a little bit, just like now when she squeezes my hand again. They sparkle like the water just outside of Cleartown Harbor when it’s-
“Care? Hey, you okay?”
I startle and blink. Andi looks amused but I can see her smile twitch and I know she’s concerned. “Yeah, yeah I’m here.”
“I said king me.” I look down at the pieces, there’s one on my edge of the board. A red piece in the back corner.
“Oh.” I use my free hand to place one of the couple of pieces I’d stolen of hers on top of the piece in the back corner. “You found the best move?”
There’s still a flicker of worry but it fades as she grins, big and wide in a way that I think I’m the only one who has ever seen. “I found the best move a long time ago.”
It doesn’t click for me, “Huh? Did I space out for that long?”
She grins, just a bit wider. “Unless you’ve been spaced out for about 10 years I think you’re okay, Care.” It still doesn’t click and just before I can start to feel stupid, she leans across the table and kisses my cheek, right below the freckles across my cheekbone. “You, Care, you were the best move.”
Andi doesn’t complain when some of the pieces slip off of the board when I lean over too quickly to kiss her again. She laughs. I laugh too.
Than’s Eyes
My Mom and Dad bought me a set of silver necklaces when I was ten. They both had a heart hanging from the end of the too long for a ten year old chain. Than stole them from me when I turned seventeen and wanted to give one of them to Andi. I’d never lashed out at him until that day. He was still the Marionette back then. Mara the Tool arrived to intercept and she looked like me but Than fought back on his own. I’d never seen him up close before, right against my face. His eyes are silver like his strings and like my chains and my heart- the hearts on the end of the chains.
I took some money out of my savings from spending the last couple summers working on the boats to buy Andi and I a new pair. I got two chains with two hanging hearts. These ones were gold. We both wear them everyday.
Phillip Pt 1
“You’re going to be amazing, Carol Went.”
“Huh?”
“One day you’re going to save Cleartown.”
“What does that mean?”
“Have I ever told you about what can save someone from becoming a Demon?”
“You mean one of Them?”
“Yes.”
“What- what about Them?”
“Blood and time changes a man back from being a Demon.”
“What?”
“I think I’ll get another drink, would you like anything?”
“You didn’t drink any of that one.”
“Well? Do you want one?”
“Oh. Just water. I shouldn’t mix anything with the medication that I started.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Better- sometimes, at least.”
“Keep trying. You’re seeing that doctor, Temple?”
“Yeah. She’s helping too.”
“What about Andi?”
“Andi?”
“She helps too, right?”
“Everyone helps. You help.”
“Hm. I was right.”
“Right about what?”
“You’re going to be amazing, Carol Went.”
Them
Andi calls Them cryptids. Mrs. Rita calls Them creatures. Mr. Ira calls Them creatures, too. Elena used to not know what to call Them but now she calls them cryptids because of Andi. Aisha called Them monsters but since Rowan was brought to us she doesn’t know what to call Them. Rowan doesn’t call Them anything. I think Than tries to make them call Them family.
They aren’t Rowan’s family. We are.
Phillip called them Demons. Phillip called himself a Demon.
I call them, Them. I don’t call Them cryptids, or creatures, or monsters, or friends, or reflections, or demons, or me, or family. They’re more than all of those things some days and less than them on others. Everyone worries that I won’t call Them anything else. I don’t want them to be worried.
Sometimes, though, I’m worried too.
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