The Yellow Submarine Machine
“Yellow Submarine” by JD Hancock
DRAMATIC WRITING
by Mack Barcomb
CHARACTERS:
GEORGIE: A young woman, 22. She has bright red hair and a unibrow. She is hard to keep track of in all ways.
PAULIE: A plain man, 52. Recently divorced and because of this is extremely unaware of his own self-worth.
RILEY: An unofficially adopted son to Paulie. He is obnoxiously inquisitive and never goes anywhere without his medium sized wooden spoon which he has endearingly named Chump.
JAI GURU DAVE: Georgie’s guru. Looks and acts exactly George Harrison’s guru.
SETTING:
A common space of The Yellow Submarine. There are curved couches (yellow of course), round wooden coffee tables, and a surprising number of miscellaneous objects and knick-knacks for a submarine. These items include, but are not limited to a sewing machine, at least three open and active chess sets, a life sized R2D2 statue, and an extra-large lava lamp.
Georgie frantically walks into the common room holding a lot of stuff. Paulie is seated on the couch reading a magazine about rare aquatic life. Jai Guru Dave is standing quietly in the corner, it is possible that the audience does not notice him.
GEORGIE
Have you seen my fish?
PAULIE
I didn’t know that you had a fish.
GEORGIE
Yes. I found it in the marina before we left for the plummet. It’s small and swishes its tail around in a weird way.
PAULIE
I think you better stop calling this a plummet. It sounds ominous, so ominous.
Riley enters.
RILEY
What’s a plummet, Paulie?
GEORGIE
It’s when something falls at a remarkably high speed until it reaches the bottom of wherever it’s going.
PAULIE
But Riley, we aren’t falling at a remarkably high speed, we’re gliding majestically through the lower depths of the Indian Ocean.
Riley looks in the direction of a small round window behind the couch and laughs.
RILEY
Yeah, it’s very majestic. We’re not plummeting Georgie, that’s silly. And by the way, what does majestic mean?
GEORGIE
It’s when something is very pleasant to look at and almost surreal.
RILEY
Oh, I don’t think the view out of the window is majestic. Anyway, what does surreal mean?
PAULIE
Riley, where is captain chump? I haven’t seen him in a while.
RILEY
I left him in his bowl. I’ll have to go check on him.
PAULIE
Great idea.
Riley exits to another section of the submarine off stage.
PAULIE
Georgie, do you ever get lonely down here in the deep blue sea?
GEORGIE
Of course not. I have my Jai Guru Dave. He’s great. He just sits and listens, I think.
Paulie sits on the couch next to Georgie. They are very close.
PAULIE
Yeah, he is a great observer. Unless he has fake ears and is only pretending to listen. I’ve noticed he’s not much of an active listener.
Paulie laughs at the absurdity of his own suggestion.
PAULIE
I feel lonely here. So lonely. I miss my wife. I miss her blonde hair and the way she always smelt like chili powder and Greek yogurt. I feel terribly lonely here in this yellow submarine.
GEORGIE
Ex…wife.
Georgie places her hand on Paulie’s shoulder.
PAULIE
Right, thank you.
GEORGIE
Jai Guru Dave says that the yellow submarine is yellow to make us feel happy and warm and loved and not lonely.
Paulie somehow gets closer to Georgie.
PAULIE
Did he actually say that? Because we can’t actually see the yellow part of the yellow submarine as I’m sure he’s aware of.
GEORGIE
No, he didn’t. Tell me more about that ex-wife problem.
PAULIE
Well, it’s sad, very sad.
Jai Guru Dave exits.
PAULIE
Sometimes I think about her too much and then I slap myself. I’m trying out my own Pavlov’s dog situation. Thoughts of my wife are rewarded with a stinging slap. Eventually I will never think of her.
Jai Guru Dave walks back on stage with armfuls of sandwich making ingredients. Cold cuts, lettuce, bread, condiments, and a cutting board. He places the items on one of the coffee tables, sits himself between Georgie and Paulie and begins to craft an impossible sandwich.
GEORGIE
Yes, that must be so tough. Being alone with no wife, under the sea, if only there was something you could do that might make you less lonely. I sure know what I would do if I wanted to be less lonely.
PAULIE
What would you do, Georgie?
Jai Guru Dave is aggressively making the sandwich humming and grunting underneath their conversation.
GEORGIE
Well, I might wander over to someone I am sharing a submarine with. Someone equal to me in knowledge and attractiveness of course.
PAULIE
Well, you are the most knowledgeable and attractive in this vessel, and you are talking to me. I’m not sure what to make of it.
Jai Guru Dave completes the sandwich and holds it in the air as if it is baby Simba. Georgie and Paulie lean in front of Jai Guru Dave and look into eachother’s eyes as if they are about to kiss. Jai Guru Dave leans forward and begins to eat the sandwich separating Georgie and Paulie. Jai Guru Dave begins making high pitched erotic sounds.
GEORGIE
How is that sandwich, Dave?
JAI GURU DAVE
Good, very good.
A loud crack is heard from off stage and the lights begin to flicker. There is a wooshing noise and everyone begins to scream. Riley runs in to the common room and they all jump into the air, and with a large thud, land laying on the ground. The lights go completely out.
PAULIE
Riley! Where are you? What happened?
RILEY
I’m right here. What happened?
GEORGIE
Riley, what did you do?
PAULIE
What happened?
Riley is holding a toy light saber that he turns on and it lights just enough to see his face. Paulie, Riley, Georgie, and Jai Guru Dave all huddle around the saber.
RILEY
I know what happened.
GEORGIE
Tell us, tell us, tell us. Did you do it?
RILEY
I think what happened is that I went into the station room.
PAULIE
Oh. Not the station room. Never go in the station room, Riley.
RILEY
It was Chump’s idea! We went in there and then he said he wanted a better look at some of the cogs. I told him not to get too close and that it was very dangerous to touch the cogs. I turned away for one second to look at the station panel. And by the way what is a station panel?
PAULIE
It’s something you should never touch. Did you touch the station panel?
RILEY
No, I did not touch the station panel. I was just looking at it and then when I turned back around, Chump was inside the cogs!
GEORGIE
Oh my Father Mackenzie, we’ve plummeted.
RILEY
Plummeting is bad.
JAI GURU DAVE
Very bad.
PAULIE
What do we do?
GEORGIE
We will sit and wait.
RILEY
But what about Chump? This is so bad. I’m sorry.
JAI GURU DAVE
Sitting and waiting is good.
PAULIE
No. Riley is right we have to do something.
End scene.