Giant Hat
“A Young Man in a Large Hat” - Frans Hals
TOMASELLI AWARD, Runner-up
DRAMATIC WRITING
by William Reymann
Production note: consider the aesthetic of a renaissance painting
0: PRELUDE
Ode To Joy BLARES. Lights up on STYLE and TRIM in tableaux sitting together on a bed in their sleepwear. They are a queer pairing, whatever that means. Their long, flowing hair is absurdly knotted together in between them.
Honestly? It’s kinda beautiful.
A little baby angel (CLIP) flutters by and drops open a banner reading:
I: A HAIRY SITUATION (ROFLROFLXD)
STYLE and TRIM sit.
STYLE is watching a hair de-tangling tutorial on their phone.
TRIM is skulking in the other direction.
The video continues underneath the dialogue after getting cut off.
VIDEO
So yeah what I like to do is use a regular brush as opposed to a traditional brush, or like any variety of comb? that way there is just zero risk of hair damage or scalp damage/ or skull damage or brain damage and everything can come out pretty much perfect and gorgeous and beautiful forever and ever and ever and ever and personally, I recommend the sephora brush, it’s just really aesthetic looking it looks great on my shelf and in my heart of hearts and in my hair when I use it but honestly it’s also just like really high quality and easy to use and honestly if it still like doesn’t come out I would probably just suggest wearing like a really big hat for the rest of your life until you die or honestly I would probably recommend dying as soon as possible and just getting past all of it. I mean, honestly? Our position in the universe is pretty brutal and terrifying if you think about it, so perhaps in some ways it’s better to just leap into the void, you know? Est demens, demens mundi. But yeah be sure to leave a like and a kiss and comment down below which of my strands of hair is your favorite and why thank you for watching my video, I love you. Bye bye. X
TRIM
This is pointless, let’s just get it all over with.
TRIM holds up a pair of scissors
STYLE
You don’t think we can comb it out?
TRIM
I mean,
I think it’s nice to dream.
I’m not tryna be a bitch or anything, but our hair is kinda knotted together/ in this like comically absurd knot right now is like my thing?
STYLE
Yeah, the comically absurd knot is kind of the whopper, isn’t it?
TRIM
yeah…
Beat.
TRIM
Come to snippy!
STYLE
HEY! Watch it bub! If you're so set on scissoring your way out of this,
The wind softly goes hehehehe. STYLE and TRIM look around— wuh?
STYLE
why don't you cut your own hair, huh? Why does it have to be mine?
TRIM
…I can’t believe you seriously just asked me that. You know I have Hereditary Sensitive Scalp Syndrome. If I cut my hair, the direct sunlight on my raw, unprotected dome actually has a small chance of lighting me on fire.
STYLE
Gee, does it have a small chance of thinking I was born yesterday?
TRIM
I'm just being pragmatic. If we try to comb THIS, it could take hours, it could days, and honestly,
I think if we touch it, it might even get worse, so I say we swallow our pride and eat our Wheaties.
TRIM goes for the scissors, STYLE grabs them first, throws them far away.
TRIM
Hey!
TRIM tries to dash for them, yanking their hair and hurting them both.
STYLE and TRIM OW!
TRIM
Why'd you do that??
STYLE
Why'd you RUN after them??
TRIM
This needs to end!
We can’t be seen all tied together like this in public. What’ll become of…
STYLE and TRIM
*what strangers think about us???*
TRIM
Why don’t we both… Just cut like directly around the knot?
STYLE
Dude, that’s like 80% of our hair easily.
TRIM(unconvinced) No…
STYLE
I mean yeah, you know how hair expands when you’re in the shower? This is like… the opposite of that. It’s like super condensed right now, so it’s like ten times more than it looks like, trust me. I had a friend who had the exact same thing happen with her and her girlfriend like A year ago.
TRIM
Fuck.
STYLE
That’s what I’m saying.
TRIM
Well, what do we do?
STYLE looks TRIM deep in the eyes.
II: HATERNALIA
CLIP, a twink, waits on the street. He is staring at a hat.
CLIP
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid of you anymore.
It took me a long time and a lot of work to get over the fear of hats I acquired when you walked out on us, dad, but I am finally no longer afraid of you, and no longer afraid of hats, your characteristic headwear, which I let torment me for so long.
CLIP sets down the hat on the street. They breathe a sigh of release.
Beethoven’s fifth blares as a spot fades slowly up on STYLE and TRIM both underneath a GIANT HAT!!
STYLE
Clip? Clip is that you?
CLIP
Huh? Hey! Oh my god, heyyyy, what are you guys doing here? Why are you guys wearing…. Um…. that?
STYLE lifts the hat a little to give CLIP a peek under the hood.
TRIM nabs the hat back down.
TRIM
What are you doing??
STYLE
I don’t know I couldn’t think of a lie we’re wearing a giant hat.
CLIP
Oh my god. Are you guys like knotted together in some humorously larger-than-life tangle of hair and now you’re going to the barber shop to get that special barber oil you use to undo one of those giant, crazy knots people keep getting stuck in?
STYLE
Oh my god yeah, that’s like exactly what we’re doing that’s crazy.
CLIP
Yeahhhhhh my cousin had all that happen with him and his boyfriend last month. Good luck.
TRIM
“Good luck?”
STYLE
What does that mean? What did they do?
CLIP
Theyyyy cut each other off.
I mean, literally. They cut-each-oth-er off— well,
First they watched a youtube tutorial on how to detangle your hair and then agreed to go outside together in a giant hoodie?
But eventually, when they realized the hoodie thing wouldn’t work forever, they just got into this HUGE fight about who had to cut their hair and who got to keep their hair and in the end, they both just did it to each other while they were sleeping. And I guess then they actually did cut each other off but isn’t that like fucked?
TRIM
Ok well, this has been really fun but we actually have a fitting for some giant shoes, so
CLIP
Say, wait a sec, how did you two end up with your hair all tied together anyhow?
STYLE and TRIM look at each other.
STYLE
Well
TRIM
Uh
CLIP
Ohhhhhh I see…
TRIM
Correct your tone, twink.
CLIP
That’s only the cool, deep timbre of the truth, bitch.
TRIM
Look here, pencil neck, whatever you think you know, you don’t.
CLIP
What do I think I know?
TRIM
That maybe it's best for you to just pick up your daddy’s fedora keep those beautiful blue eyes out from under other people’s hats, huh??
…Woah.
TRIM (pulling STYLE by the arm, hiding their face in the hat as they walk)
Come on, let’s get out of here.
III: GUM
The Blue Danube BLARES. WAX and TWEEZE enter and perform the dance of the tangled hair, a beautiful and tragic ballet which moves from conflict to severance to renewal. WAX and TWEEZE exit.
Enter STYLE and TRIM, SHUFFLING along awkwardly.
STYLE
Ow! I stubbed my frickin toe, do you even know where we’re going? I can’t see anything.
TRIM
Well, the giant hat to cover the equally giant knot of hair was your idea.
You said “maybe we can wear a really big hat so nobody’ll see the connection” and I said that was ridiculous,
But then you actually pulled one out and I was like “oh shit” and here we are.
The barber shop is this way, come on, I know it.
Beat.
STYLE
…what exactly happened back there?
TRIM
What?
STYLE
Well, you really laid it into the twink back there.
TRIM
What did I say?
STYLE
You compared his neck to a pencil. And also made fun of his daddy issues?
TRIM
Well he shouldn’t have been prying into our business like that, I feel like it was fair game.
STYLE
Well, I guess you did call his eyes beautiful…
Enter WAX and TWEEZE, they have no motivation other than that they’re objectively evil. THEY circle STYLE and TRIM like hungry scavengers.
They conspicuously nosh on some bubble gum.
WAX
Fee fie foe fum, sluts.
TWEEZE
I smell the “look at” of “what the cat dragged in.”
WAX
I knew they sold queer hats two for one but I didn’t realize they also went
WAX and TWEEZE
ONE FOR TWO MECKYEKYEKYEKYEK!!
STYLE
So are we gay or are we sluts, which one is it?
TWEEZE
What’s with your comically large slutty gay hat,
WAX
gay sluts?
STYLE
Well, first of all, I can’t believe this is your idea of a slutty hat, Or that you would slut shame and hate crime us,
But second of all, it just so happens that fashion is art and we can put whatever we want to on our bodies, so why don’t you two go pick on someone your own size?
Which by the way I consider to be very small
(to the audience:) UNLIKE THIS HAT!!! AMIRITE FOLKS??? You see this thing?? Alright, enjoy the show ;)
TWEEZE (narrowing in on TRIM)
What’s your deal, gay slut?
WAX
Comically large cat got your tongue?
STYLE
Boooooo!
TWEEZE
Or are you too afraid to be seen in public with your hair tied together into some theatrically horrible knot
TWEEZE AND WAX
With your GIRLFRIEND?? MECKYEKYEKYEKYEK!!
afraid of commitment!! meckyekyekyekyek!!
TRIM
Too afraid to be seen in public not cackling like a cartoon witch?
WAX
It speaks!
TRIM
Wanna see what it can do with mace?
TWEEZE (to STYLE, smelling TRIM)
This one’s even feistier than the last one!
STYLE
Okay, that’s just about it. If you two don’t get the heck out of here, I’m really gonna have to start solving my problems with violence.
Which would really be sad, because cycles of perpetual violence are actually a terrible stain on our collective humanity.
WAX and TWEEZE lock eyes. It’s time.
TRIM
Uhhhhhhhh whatretheydoing?
STYLE
/I don’t—
Oh, no, now they’re… chanting at us.
TRIM
Oh cool.
WAX and TWEEZE
DOUBLE DOUBLE TOIL AND TROUBLE FIRE BURN AND CAULDRON BUBBLE THRICE TO THINE AND THRICE TO MINE AND THRICE AGAIN TO MAKE UP NINE
—PEACE!
THE CHARM’S WOUND
UP.
TRIM
What?
TWEEZE NOW!
WAX lays siege upon the giant hat, TWEEZE and WAX paste their gum into STYLE and TRIM’s hair.
STYLE
HEY! WHAT THE HECK??
TRIM
DON’T FUCKING TOUCH US!!
TRIM starts spraying mace into the air, but WAX and TWEEZE have already fled the scene, cackling. (Perhaps stopping briefly to make out with each other? IDK IDK!)
IV: THE SHAVENING
TRIM
That was assault! They’re not bullies, this isn’t high school, that was literally
—fucking assault.
STYLE
Okay, honestly, I’m starting to think the universe might be trying to tell us something And I think it’s that it’s time to cut the reins on the covered wagon.
STYLE pulls out the scissors from earlier.
STYLE
Just make it quick.
TRIM
We should call the fucking cops is what we should do, We can’t let those bitches get away with this!
STYLE(faux-aside)
It’s not about the bitches…
TRIM
What?
What do you mean it’s not about them??
STYLE
I mean look at us!
TRIM
We’re gorgeous and hot!
STYLE
But what does it mean if you’re biting people’s heads off for thinking we’re together And I’m so afraid of the idea, I put us into this ridiculous hat just to hide it?
Can we even talk about how this happened in the first place?
TRIM
Come on, it’s just…. a knot and some gum!
STYLE grimaces at the knot, and slowly rolls it over to TRIM, like, please.
TRIM
Okay, I acknowledge my downplaying of the situation, but I don’t want you to like chop your locks if you don’t like want to do that.
STYLE
I know I just… Okay. Look. There’s something I need to tell you. Let’s sit down.
They adlib physical and verbal negotiation with each other and the knot to both sit down.
STYLE
There’s a reason why I own this insanely large hat. I… went through a time in my life okay?Where I was like really depressed and frustrated, and pretty intoxicated, you know? and I was seeing somebody at the time, like a friend, but we were… more than friends? and one day, well, one day… we woke up and our hands were held together—and we couldn’t get them apart no matter how hard we tried and so we went out together… in an oversized glove!! Yes, an oversized glove.
TRIM
Oh god…
STYLE
And before we knew it, there were jumbo jeans, colossal crocs, and a variety of super-sized sweatervests…. we let it get worse and worse and worse until all of a sudden, I saw myself in the mirror. And I could barely even see either of us under it all… I guess what I’m saying is… I don’t really think we’re ready for this.
beat.
TRIM
You’re right.
Those bitches were right.
I am indecisive and insecure and really really really afraid of commitment and you do also have a really bad habit of externalizing and projecting and—Oh sorry, I mean, me, I do,
But also: I really like… like you?
So who fucking cares about the rest?
STYLE
…So what you’re saying is… Maybe the knot… is love?
TRIM
No, I think we should cut the knot, but I also think we should keep having sex, and maybe also go on a date.
STYLE
Oh… Yeah,
You know I guess I really didn’t think of it that way.
They cut the knot.
TRIM
Wow that was actually like really easy and painless.
STYLE
Yeah, tell me about it, I actually lowkey hated having really long hair anyway
TRIM
Yeah, it’s just a huge pain in the ass, right?
STYLE
Well, wait until you end up “knotted at the hip,” so to to speak.
TRIM
Then we’d have to wear a giant thong. STYLE
Too soon.
Wanna go make out or something?
TRIM
Uhhh Yeah. Yeah. Let’s do it.
They walk off into the sunset together. End of play.