The Doghouse
Carlin Feck
The Players
Dawn - Stay-at-home mother. Her daughter is out of the house for most of the year now, so who knows what she gets up to, really.
Jane - Dawn’s daughter. Small, but secure in herself and her opinions. Sees the best in people.
Matthew - Dawn’s husband, Jane’s father. Breadwinner, genius, but severely depressed. Jane is his light.
Wally - The family dog. Gaslighter. Enabler. Diabolical asshole.
Setting
The kitchen. Thursday afternoon. The tone is warm, welcoming, homey. The kitchen has decorative hints of blue and gold. There is a table in the middle of the stage, and the stove/oven is behind it. Next to the stove is the sink, counter space, and the microwave. Pots and pans hang from the ceiling.
The players enter and exit to other rooms of the house, but we stay in the kitchen. So does Wally.
Dawn is in the kitchen with Wally.
DAWN
And so I said to him, “I’m not going,” and he just sighed and said it was okay. This year I am quitting dinner parties, Wally. Quitting! I can’t do it anymore. No more “Dawn the housewife.” No more feeling like I have nothing to contribute to these boring conversations. They really are boring, Wally. You should hear these women talking about...what were they talking about at the last one… I want to say… oh, I remember... the color of their dining room trim. That was it. Trim. Trim shades. Do I give a fuck about trim shades? No! But do I look like I give a fuck about trim shades when I’m sitting there, dolled up and house wife’d, with some kitten heels and a napkin on my lap? Of course I do, Wally! So I’m done. No more dinner parties for Dawn. Matthew can go by himself and say “Dawn’s busy,” because I am busy! Busy living for more than stupid dinner parties. Busy making dinner. Busy with a new hobby. Scrapbooking, maybe? Busy, busy, busy me.
Jane enters, carrying bags.
JANE
Helloooo…
DAWN
Ohh, you’re here!
Dawn rushes to Jane and embraces her.
JANE
Hi Mom.
DAWN
How was the drive? Do you have plans for tonight? Dinner will be ready at six, it’s in the oven.
JANE
The drive was a breeze. No plans tonight, I’m just here with you guys for dinner.
Matthew enters, carrying a satchel.
MATTHEW
Sweetheart.
JANE
Hi Dad. I missed you.
MATTHEW
I missed you too, hon. Can I grab these bags for ya?
JANE
No, I'll take ‘em upstairs. Thanks, Dad.
Jane exits. Dawn turns to face the sink.
MATTHEW
How was your day, love?
DAWN
Fine.
MATTHEW
Mhm. Nothing upset you today, did it?
DAWN
No. Where would you get that idea?
MATTHEW
Talk to me Dawn, what is it?
DAWN
(Turning around) She missed you, huh?
MATTHEW
Jane?
DAWN
She missed you.
MATTHEW
So I’ve heard.
DAWN
How much did you pay our daughter to come through the door and say “I miss you” to just one of us? Of course you’d pull some bullshit like this. When I’ve been here all day making dinner for us.
MATTHEW
(Sitting) Dawn, I’m begging you. We only get Jane here for two days. I was in the office all day…
DAWN
You’re fucking lying to me. You’re making me feel crazy.
MATTHEW
I’m sorry I’m making you feel that way, but I’m not trying/
DAWN
You’re calling me insane, Matthew.
Dawn pulls out her phone to avert her attention from him.
MATTHEW
Dawn, listen to me. If I were calling you insane, I’d just say it. I’d say, “Dawn, you’re fucking insane!” You’d know. That’s not what I’m doing, okay?
A beat. Jane enters.
JANE
We’re eating at six, right?
DAWN
Six, honey. Just a few minutes, it’s warming in the oven.
Matthew exits.
JANE
Is he okay?
DAWN
Same as always, honey. Depressed without a cause. I’ve done everything I can to help him.
Dawn exits. Wally crawls out from under the table.
WALLY
Ugh. She’s batshit.
JANE
Who, Mom?
WALLY
Yes, Mom. Poor Matthew. He’s so patient with her.
JANE
Mom says he’s “depressed without a cause.”
WALLY
Listen... you know you’re the only one I’m talkin’ to here...he’s not “depressed without a cause.” She is the cause. She’s lost it. And I just watch. I just drag my ass on the rug and watch.
JANE
Yeah. I think I need to rest before dinner. I have a headache from the drive. And from being back here.
Jane exits. Matthew enters.
WALLY
How was work, boss?
MATTHEW
Work is the blissful part of my day now, somehow.
WALLY
Yeah. Yeesh, she’s gotten crazy.
MATTHEW
I don’t want to say that. She’s still my wife.
WALLY
Well, you know I only talk to you. So you can say it. I won’t tell.
MATTHEW.
Alright, she’s crazy. Crazy, Wally. I’m at a loss.
Dawn enters. She looks at Matthew, and then he exits hastily.
WALLY
Uhh… did you fucking hear that?
DAWN
Was that about me?
WALLY
Yeah. Completely unprompted. Like, obviously I only speak to you. That’s messed up.
DAWN
Wally, I think I’m like… being abused.
WALLY
You and me both, sister. This house is a toxic environment for you.
Jane enters.
JANE
Can we eat yet? I’m hungry.
DAWN
I hardly have an appetite anymore. Not after fighting with your father.
JANE
Aw, Mom. You guys are fighting again?
DAWN
I didn’t plan on telling you this weekend but… yes. Listen to this, Jane.
Dawn pulls out her phone and begins playing a recording of Matthew.
We realize it’s his line “Dawn, you’re fucking insane!” from earlier.
Dawn cries and runs out of the room.
JANE
Oh my God. I can’t believe Dad would say that to her…
WALLY
Jane, please. That recording was taken completely out of context.
JANE
Wally, I don't know. I know she’s off her rocker, but she’s not a liar.
WALLY
Not a liar you say?
Wally walks over to the oven and sits in front of it.
WALLY
Open it.
JANE
What?
WALLY
Dinner’s in 5 minutes, right? She’s been cooking it all day? Open the oven, Jane.
Jane opens the oven. It’s empty. She closes it.
JANE
Jesus.
WALLY
(Whispering, eyes wide) Bat. Shit.
Dawn enters, her spirits lifted again.
DAWN
It’s six o’clock! Who’s hungry?
JANE
I actually… I can’t deal with this right now.
DAWN
You what?
JANE
I mean, I actually have plans. Sorry, yeah, I just made plans. Plans to eat somewhere else.
DAWN
Jane. You can’t be serious.
Jane exits, grabbing her coat and keys.
WALLY
Wow. The nerve, am I right?
DAWN
What on earth could she mean? Why would she leave?
Matthew enters.
MATTHEW
Where’s Jane? I thought I heard her…
DAWN
You put her up to this, didn’t you?
MATTHEW
I didn’t… I don’t know quite what you’re…
DAWN
Save the bullshit for once, Matthew. For once!
MATTHEW
Dawn, where is Jane?
DAWN
(Taking a breath) She told me she didn’t want to eat with you.
MATTHEW
I’m sorry, what?
DAWN
Yup. She told me she figured you’d still be at work, so she was looking forward to eating with me, only me. And then she left.
MATTHEW
Alright. Could you tell me the truth?
DAWN
You son of a bitch. I am! Don’t you see? I always am!
Dawn exits, distraught and hysterical.
MATTHEW
So what she just said to me…
WALLY
Horseshit. Yeah.
MATTHEW
Jesus Christ. Wally, I wish you could talk to Dawn the way you talk to me.
WALLY
I know, boss. I do, too. But you’re the man of the house. We men gotta stick together. She wouldn’t listen to me, anyway.
MATTHEW
What can I do, Wally? She’s gone so far off the deep end. How can I fix this?
WALLY
You know what I’m gonna say, boss.
MATTHEW
I can’t do that Wally, you know I can’t. I can't do that to Jane.
WALLY
I’m not saying you have to go live a double life. Just get a hotel room, call up that secretary of yours, and forget about this hellhole for a night. Trust me.
MATTHEW
You really think this’ll make me feel better?
WALLY
Matthew. I am your dog, you are my master. We are literally the pinnacle of an unconditionally loving and trusting relationship. We are the poster children for an eternal bond.
MATTHEW
Alright. Alright! Fuck it, I’m going. You’re the man, Wally.
WALLY
Hey, it’s the least I could do. Now go be the person your dog thinks you are!
Matthew exits. Dawn reenters, shaken.
DAWN
Where is he? Where is that son of a bitch? I’m ready, Wally. I’m ready to stand up for myself. I’m ready to give that asshole a piece of my mind.
WALLY
Oh girl, you just missed him.
DAWN
Missed him? Where did he go?
WALLY
He got a phone call… something about meeting Florence at the hotel. Not that I, a mere pure-bred canine, would know what that means at all, whatsoever.
DAWN
Florence. His secretary. A hotel? Are you fucking…
WALLY
My paws are tied, mama. That’s all I heard.
DAWN
Matthew is going to cheat on me? Or has he been cheating? Or what? I’m just the stupid, lonely housewife?
WALLY
Dawn, you’re lonely, but you’re far from stupid. Look at how you’ve put these pieces together. You’ve already caught him in his lie with just random tidbits of information. You’re a sleuth!
DAWN
You’re right, Wally. I’m too smart for him. I’m too smart for my own good.
WALLY
Smartest woman I know, that’s for sure. He really screwed the pooch with this one.
DAWN
(Dropping to her knees to meet Wally) Oh GOD, Wally! Not you too!
WALLY
No, oh my God, no. He didn’t… I just meant the expression…
DAWN
Oh, right, of course.
Jane enters, surprised to see her Mother.
JANE
Mom. Hey, have you just been in here since I left? I’m sorry…
DAWN
(Wiping her tears away) No, sweetheart. No apologies.
JANE
Where’s Dad?
DAWN
Dad’s… Dad’s gone.
JANE
Gone? Gone where?
DAWN
You know what? Let's have us a girl’s night tonight, okay?
JANE
I mean, yeah. Sure. But…
DAWN
Have a seat, dear. I’ll make you a nice, warm dinner. What do you want? I’ll make you anything in the world.
JANE
I want… uh….
DAWN
OH! I know! Let’s do face masks. I’ll be right back.
Dawn exits. Jane shakes her head.
JANE
Are you gonna tell me where my Dad actually went?
WALLY
Rhymes with Snorence.
JANE
Oh my God, Wally, are you serious?
WALLY
You didn’t hear it from me.
JANE
Ugh. All my friends at school have these, you know, nice, normal families. Families who fit on Christmas cards and run Turkey Trots and go on vacation. And I come home and it’s always a slap in the face.
WALLY
I don’t know, Jane. Christmas cards? Turkey trots? That’s what you see. You don’t see the kitchens. You don’t hear the blackmail-voice-memos.
JANE
I guess you’re right. Do you think other people have talking dogs?
Dawn reenters with a face mask on.
DAWN
It’s spa time! Let’s get comfortable. Are you comfortable?
JANE
Actually, yeah. Somehow, I’m pretty fucking comfortable.
End of play.
