Michael
Deborah Corr, “Me In My Bedroom”
by Hailey Woodruff
He was always on the move. Even when he had nowhere to be. The bell would ring and off he ran. Never a real place to call home. A pile of pens covered the surface of his desk, bottles and cans lie on the ground. Swimming in a pile of filth, sitting on his bed curled up in a ball, watching. I’d watch the boy I met years ago become a man.
It began at a friend’s graduation party. Chip bits, sandwich crumbs, and red solo cups spread across the table. Party favors and confetti that read “You did it!”,“Congratulations!!”,and little black grad caps. We talked for what seemed like hours drinking watered down Pepsi and swatting at gnats. Talking about our ambitions and dreams. Blowing bubbles in each other’s faces and fumbling with the blue and silver beads around my neck. I knew I liked him. All my friends would have laughed if they saw us. So,we didn’t talk again. No confessions of love or meeting up on a Saturday afternoon. An exchange of phone numbers but no further discussion. I tried to find other boys to smile about and fantasize over. I tried to be someone even when I had no clue. I didn’t know who I was until he came back into my life.
Prom season. Patterns of fabric and choice of dress color became the only thing we cared about. And dates, of course. I had a couple guys in mind. I would have asked, but as soon as I had made up my mind, they had chosen and went off with another girl. I spent three Sundays on the hunt for the perfect dress. The routine was simple. Stand at church for an hour and a half and after that, drive to the mall. The smell of incense filled the car. I rolled down the windows to air out the car while looking at the cloudless skies and passing trees.
I’m a blue girl. I’m the girl who brings you food when you’re sick but won’t go to the party with you. I’m the girl who goes on a road trip by herself but is on the phone with a friend. I’m the one that jumps when no one else will. I never asked to be alone. I was alone when my date bailed. One month before Michael spoke to me again.
A simple blue gown and no prom date. My dad sat on the phone with an old colleague. They talked about prom and how I was alone. Then, I hear his name. Michael. Of course, I remember who he is. I wished for a cuter guy, maybe one in my grade. ‘I don’t know if I should say yes. His dad is my English teacher. I can’t, the situation just isn’t right,’ “-A date is a date, just take it”, my dad said to me. After some convincing, I said yes. My friends found out the next day. The shy kid who didn’t say a word. The English teacher’s son. All the glances and judgement. I pushed it aside. After a couple dates and late-night chats, we were a couple. He made me feel like a cool spring morning that screams bike rides. When I was with him, I could go anywhere, and do anything . I could eat cold pizza on the kitchen floor or bake bread just to watch it rise. I could stay up watching the stars while being eaten alive by mosquitoes. I could get caught in the rain or start doing the right thing. I could drop toxic friends, start studying, take up the instrument I’ve always wanted to play. All these things I could have done, but time took the best of me.
Driving from my high school to his college campus two times a week made no sense to me. Besides, he should be the one with the license. But, having divorced parents far away led him no choice but to dorm. It always had to be complicated with us. In and out of small coffee shops, laying in the grass of public parks, or driving around in my 2009 Toyota Prius, we managed to make it work.
Looking back on the past few years, I have many good and bad memories. The smell of those gummies that did nothing and the taste of that drink that made me feel weird. Those hours in the library. Bags of skittles, orange juice, Chex Mix, sandwiches with those olives I never learned to enjoy, hot chocolate, and my first Monster energy drink. Adventures, friends, and friends that became strangers. Friends that I hide from at the grocery store now, friends I never should have stayed with, friends I stuck with, and him.
I thought I knew who I was in high school. I was that girl who sang in all the choirs and did her homework. I never studied, but I didn’t eat much either. I went to bed when I had to and brushed my teeth. I thought I had friends. I guess I did, in a way. I saw my friends in school everyday. I knew their parents. We listened to the same music. We seemed inseparable. It wasn’t until it was New Year’s Eve that the truth came out. I wanted to text someone “Happy New Year!” when the ball dropped. Stickers with the fireworks and emojis. I checked Instagram out of boredom. My friends were together closing out in the year without me. the more I scrolled, the more I saw. All I had was a glass of warm grape juice and the TV lighting up my living room.
Michael watched me pace around my room trying to hold back tears. Trying to find answers. “How could they? Why was I the only one left out? What’s wrong with me?” Then all the pieces fell into place. My friends never invited me places. They didn’t stop to think of me. They had moved on from the attic shows and into the basements of stranger’s houses getting drunk off of cheap beers and smoking pot. He helped me realize I had to move on too. Whether it took me a month or three years.
I was the girl who walked into rehearsal without the music. The girl waiting for the study group to show but little did she know, they had gone to eat lunch beforehand. I sat there with my Chex Mix and hot chocolate ready to go. I sat there doing my homework when my high school friends went to Tosco’s to grab pizza. And I’ll continue. I’ll keep studying. I’ll drop toxic people from my life. No more waiting around for people to see me. I’ll start what I should have started a long time ago. All my ambitions and dreams I talked about? Yeah, I guess I could say I wanted to be with him when that all happened. Even if I couldn’t admit it at the time. Moving past my old self and onto new adventures with him was the best decision I ever made. Michael is where it all started.