hindsight

Michaela Monahan

I can't recall exactly at what point my views on love had become so skewed. Perhaps it began with the tears my mother cried in secret, holding the weight of the world on her shoulders, while still upholding the facade of a happy home. Or maybe it was my father’s absence, forcing me to grow up on single parent love, not ever truly feeling seen, never really wanting to be seen to begin with. Maybe it was my father’s second divorce, or his third mistress that planted a seed in me. The kind that screams “men are dogs!” but also the kind that thinks “wow I really love dogs.” It could’ve been the way my sister jumped from guy to guy, yearning for the male attention I had begun to grow so wary of. The way she bled for them in her hospital room, leaving my mother and I to sew her back together, a practice that transcended into my future relationships. Slowly establishing my “Bob the Builder” complex, in which I see someone broken and think “can we fix it?” “Yes we can!”

Or maybe it was my fault. Never fully able to separate the woes of my family from my perception of what love was. Maybe it was the boys I let use me, or my ability to look at their warning signs and fall in love with the color red. Maybe it was the neglect that inherently comes with sharing your mother with a mentally ill sister. Or all the attention I sought elsewhere while she was busy falling apart in my mother’s arms. Somehow male affection became a sort of meal replacement for a father's presence, except the only weight I lost was their hand in mine when I wasn't looking. 

And I guess that’s where you come in. I can’t recall exactly at what point I knew I had lost you, but my brain is still branded with your gaze. Maybe it was the way your eyes lingered on me, big like saucers, gracing me with the ever coveted “look.” The look a girl gets when she knows she’s got you, the kind of look that screams “I love you” without saying any of the words. But you must not have known what a look like that does to a girl who has never been seen to begin with.