Heavenly Glass
Jerome Amster
CAST:
Elliot — The pious father
Judy — The swinging sinner
Isaac — Innocent child
Sam — The newcomer
Angelic Staff Member
Sam enters into an immaculate waiting room. Everything in this room (the walls, ceiling, lamp, couch, table, chairs, etc.) is a dim, almost-grey white. He is bewildered, lurching around like he has just stood after a free-fall. Everything seems strange beyond his comprehension, though it is unclear why, as there is nothing particularly off about the place, except for how blandly perfect it appears.
An Angel, dressed like a drab staff member, enters. He points in the opposite direction and answers a question that Sam did not ask.
ANGEL
They’re over that way.
SAM
Who is? I’m sorry, where am I?
The Angel ignores him and continues past Sam. With no other options, Sam keeps going.
SAM
Man… This place just keeps on going.
He comes to a halt in front of a wife (Judy), a husband (Elliot), and their twelve-year-old (Isaac). The spouses are caught in a deep debate and take no notice of Sam. Elliot is passionate and gesticulatory, while Judy is calm, cool, and sarcastic from her seat.
ELLIOT
What do you think is going to be in it for you down there? It’s really, literally, the embodiment of evil.
JUDY
What’s that matter?
ELLIOT
How could that not be a factor to you?!
SAM [bewildered]
Dad?
ELLIOT
Hey Sam. [As if realizing] Oh, hey! Help me talk some sense into your mother.
JUDY
Your proselytizing didn’t work in life and it sure as Hell won’t work here.
SAM
But… But where have you been all this time? What about the gas leak? You all died.
ELLIOT
They didn’t explain this at the front desk?
SAM
They just pointed me here.
ELLIOT
Ah they don’t give people here the time of day anymore. Used to be a lot friendlier, but with the population boom and everything, they’re worked nonstop.
JUDY
Your son has bigger things on his mind than the staff.
She gives Sam a motherly hug, and a gloating glare at Elliot.
JUDY
The truth is, we were never really gone. We were watching over you the whole time from here.
ELLIOT
Yeah, just—uh… Try not to get weirded out by that.
JUDY
It’s just that we have come to know you so well that it’s easy to forget how long you have gone without us. Ever since you were eight we have been looking forward to getting to see you all grown up.
ELLIOT
Not like we were hoping you would die young or anything. You know…
Sam is still clearly bewildered by their non-answers, but by the time he thinks to ask again, the other two are already back at it.
ELLIOT
Speaking of which, I bet you feel pretty foolish for being an atheist.
JUDY
We’re not relitigating this, Elly.
SAM
Isaac. Isaac. What the hell is going on?
ISAAC
They said we’re in a purgatory or something.
SAM
What?
ISAAC
That’s like the place between Heaven and… Heck.
SAM
I know what it means. Why have you been here all this time? You never did anything bad; not that I remember.
ELLIOT
No, no, purgatory works a little differently from what we thought. For a start, we have to wait until the whole family shows before we all make our choice. We’ve had plenty of time to work things out, and we still couldn’t come to an agreement.
JUDY
Maybe if you got the stick out of your ass.
ELLIOT
Alright, you listen to me…
They go back to arguing with each other.
SAM
An agreement on what?
They ignore him.
SAM
Have they always been like this?
ISAAC
They say they do it because they love each other.
SAM
What is it all about?
ISAAC
One of the angels told us that we’ll be getting a goblet, and that’ll let us choose if we’re going to Heaven or…
SAM
Hell?
ISAAC
Yeah.
SAM
Why would anyone want to go to Hell?
JUDY
‘Cuz it ain’t as bad as people make it out to be.
ELLIOT
Shut up. Don’t listen to your mother.
SAM
What would be good about it?
JUDY
Think about it like this. Everything people like—and I mean really like—is sinful, and so it all gets sent to Hell. What have they got in Heaven? Harps and stupid looking wings. But in Hell, there’s weed and crazy orgies. In Heaven, you get a glowing halo that doesn’t let you sleep at night. In Hell, Satan gives us these horns we can ram losers like your father with.
SAM
Is all of that true?
ELLIOT JUDY
No. Yes!
ISAAC
Sort of.
ELLIOT
It’s all a test by God.
JUDY
Who’s got a big stick up his ass.
ISAAC
They’ve been like this since they got here.
SAM
I don’t get it. Why would we all have to go as a group?
ELLIOT
Oh, we don’t need to go together.
SAM
So what’s the problem?
ELLIOT
The problem is I won’t let my little Pooh-Bear be subject to an eternity of damnation.
JUDY
He just can’t go on without me.
ELLIOT
And you without me, honey.
JUDY
Damn right.
ELLIOT
Visitation would be the worst.
JUDY
Satan doesn’t like visitors, especially from above.
ELLIOT
And yet you trust him to rule over you forever.
JUDY
We were just having a fuckin’ moment!
A tired looking Angel approaches, holding a goblet in front of him as if it were radioactive.
ANGEL
Is now a bad time?
ISAAC
It always is.
ELLIOT
Where did you learn to be so fresh?
JUDY
He got it from me!
ELLIOT
Well... take it back.
SAM
Come back around to us.
ANGEL
Sir, I can’t do that; I have millions of families waiting to use this thing. You’ve had twenty-five years, I need you to decide now.
He places the goblet on the table and pours a red substance into it.
SAM
Is that wine or blood?
ELLIOT JUDY
Neither. Both.
ANGEL
It’s whatever you think it is. That’s your choice.
SAM
I just got here. We’re not nearly ready to decide.
ANGEL
I don’t make the rules.
SAM
Um… Uh… How about we flip a coin?
ELLIOT
We tried that. It always lands on its side.
ISAAC
How about we choose someone to decide for all of us?
Everyone pauses and cranes their head toward Sam.
SAM
Hold on. You can’t really put all of this on me. I just got here. All I remember is getting into my car to go to work and there’s a blinding light and I somehow end up here. I don’t know what I’m doing!
ELLIOT
But that’s what makes you the perfect candidate! You can make the decision better than any of us because you don’t know what the fuck is going on!
JUDY (sarcastic)
Hey, language!
Sam reluctantly takes up the goblet.
JUDY
Remember Sam, there’s no tequila in Heaven.
ELLIOT
Now Sam, I want you to listen to me for a moment. Maybe your mother has a point—a lot of the stuff you—we all enjoyed on Earth might not be found up there. But that’s not the point. In fact, I think it would be an encouraging thing, because that shows there is something good that goes beyond the simple bodily pleasures we enjoyed in life, but something more… sublime. Do you see what I’m getting at here?
JUDY
With all respect, that’s friggin ridiculous. The sublime is just a made-up term by people who hate their lives. If Heaven is so spectacular, why do we go on living? Why are people so afraid of dying? The only thing people ever want to do is keep on living. But there ain’t anything alive up there.
ANGEL
I need the goblet back now.
Sam nods toward the two, though it is not clear who specifically he is addressing. Then, after a pause, he lifts the goblet to his lips and drinks.
◊